Graduating Friend Gifts

'..And remember, your success will be measured in how much you donate to the university's alumni fund.'

I'm forgetting which college is which. Their brochures are all alike. University of. It's always fall or spring. Apply! There's always a multi-cultural group of kids hanging out. There's always a girl in goggles working in a science lab with an ethnic-looking prof. It's reassuring. They all celebrate their diversity in the exact same way! And charge the exact same for it!

Big Bang Theory.

Wally Begins research for his thesis entitled "who's a good dog?"

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"I'm going to talk about the summer before last, it was much more fun."

"You've got to learn about verbs. How else are you going to verbalize your feelings?

Math Major Pennants. ISOSCELES. SCALENE EQUILATERAL.

'I've already been recruited by one of the top fast-food chains in the country!'

Four Types of Test-Takers...

Graduates on their phones

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

"He said he doesn't want to see me in his office again..."

'And what part of the formula don't you understand?'

Philosophy Department: You are here but why are you here?

A prince needs to learn arithmetic because some day you may want to divide and conquer.

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

'You don't have to worry about my future any more -- I just downloaded an entire college education!'

'If you're not confused then you realy don't know what's going on... !'

"This is what's known as a book."

'When they came up with a 'do your homework' app, then I'll know technology can really make life better.'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

'Teens are like trees, you can chart their growth by the number of rings.'

'As everyone knows, scientists are at their peaks early in their careers.'

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

'The first exam was easy as ABC, but that one felt more like a D,E or F.'

'This course in philosophy is not designed to teach you how to make a living. I will be teaching you how to make a life.'

'You have failed on all counts...'

CHAUCER 411, 'Boy -- that guy spells worse than I do!'

"I just take Tommy's computer here and hit delete. I haven't eaten homework in years!"

Dictionary. It's a cordless spell checker!

'I meant a book report on 'Treasure Island,' not a report on the Muppet movie version.'

"Before you grade my test, keep in mind, my dream is to become a wealthy doctor, just like my available father"

Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading yo