God Talker Gifts

"I'm not judging you... God is."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Mrs. Marsha Mullhouse, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, asks, "Are You subject to the laws of physics, or are the laws of physics subject to You?"

'Are you sure You can be objective? -After all, You did CREATE them.'

I used to love coming here. Nudist beach.

Get out of the way, Harold - I'm trying to talk to Cuddles.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"He really isn't bad, per se, but he is kind of a jerk."

"Go ahead, tell him... Your friend is correct. Nuts are fruit. Why won't you ever believe me?"

"Dang, there goes another piece of the wife's good china. You see father, it's

"If everything is God's will, tell me again why I need to study for exams?"

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

A not-so-happy God, with the Humans, sticking an Eviction Notice to the Earth

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

"The sellers recommended that I burn some sage during the tour."

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

'Just one God? - But won't he be outnumbered?'

'...and where did you bury the bone?'

'U. . .S. .U. .C. .K. . . . L. . O. . L.'

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

"You'll be able to talk to your husband. I have video conferencing."

"I'm the ghost of Christmas Tree Future, and honestly, it doesn't turn out well for you."

"This is a little embarrassing to admit, but everything that happens happens for no real reason."

When psychiatrists do self analysis.

Is this Seat Taken?

Slow, Men at Work.

'How nice! -- They're making a ten-part miniseries about the Bible!'

'I wonder if I can declare you as dependents on my income taxes?'

'If another barman cracks the joke about not serving spirits, I'm leaving ...'

'Enough about your losing portfolio. Let me tell you about my vacation home in the Hamptons...'

'He's not there at the moment so please leave a message.'