Goatee Guru Gifts

"Put that out! It's over. And lose the goatee."

Facial hair continental drift.

Billy Goat and the Landlord

'I got tired of trimming my goatie a long time ago...'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

"Renk just discovered beard oil."

Use the body brush vigorously - he will enjoy it.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'You can't be serious! They wash you by dipping you in a tub of water! That's horrible!'

Rapunzel in the Morning

"The derby is better. That makes you look like Abraham Lincoln."

"And now. . . which shoes?"

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

"Be creative...!"

"The raw material was all around me: That's how I got started as a sculptor..."

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

Emergency Hipster Beard

Dating is so expensive...

Owner Looks Like Poodle.

'Wrinkles can't breathe in mud.'

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

"Face it, Clive - you're bald."

Movember

"You're fortunate. Stubble looks really good on you."

"I'm not saying your after shave smells bad, but.. maybe you should use one mosquitoes don't like so much!"

'...so I simply combined my love of beards with my love of tattoos and this was the result!'

"Dear Diary: Today I ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped ... HAIRBALL!!"

"I can't see a blinkin' thing."

'Done the first, now shower, shave.' - The bear essentials.

The Cat Spa

"Same goash-darn thing every full moon, eh, Mr. Harper?"

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

"Nice haircut."

'Have you had a brazilian?'