Goatee Guru T-Shirts

"Put that out! It's over. And lose the goatee."

Facial hair continental drift.

Billy Goat and the Landlord

'I got tired of trimming my goatie a long time ago...'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

"Renk just discovered beard oil."

Use the body brush vigorously - he will enjoy it.

'You can't be serious! They wash you by dipping you in a tub of water! That's horrible!'

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Rapunzel in the Morning

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

"And now. . . which shoes?"

Owner Looks Like Poodle.

Dating is so expensive...

Emergency Hipster Beard

"The raw material was all around me: That's how I got started as a sculptor..."

"The derby is better. That makes you look like Abraham Lincoln."

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

"Be creative...!"

'Wrinkles can't breathe in mud.'

"Face it, Clive - you're bald."

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

"I'm not saying your after shave smells bad, but.. maybe you should use one mosquitoes don't like so much!"

"Same goash-darn thing every full moon, eh, Mr. Harper?"

'...so I simply combined my love of beards with my love of tattoos and this was the result!'

"Dear Diary: Today I ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped ... HAIRBALL!!"

The Cat Spa

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

Movember

'Done the first, now shower, shave.' - The bear essentials.

"You're fortunate. Stubble looks really good on you."

"I can't see a blinkin' thing."

"Nice haircut."

'Have you had a brazilian?'