Goal-oriented Jokester Pillows

'I've kept all my wildest hopes and dreams realistic and easy to achieve.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Teacher pointing to P,Q, on board: "OK class, which letter comes next? Redbeard, you should know this."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

"He said he doesn't want to see me in his office again..."

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I got all Z's because I fell asleep in class."

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Sorry mum, I had a brain freeze during the test...'

"If I can't use a calculator, may I use my Dad's old slide-rule?"

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

Student writing on blackboard - I will not egg the principal's car.

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'What's our exit strategy?'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

"Your Covid-19 Test Results Are In..."

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

'Hello? Animal control?'