Goal Humorist Pillows

"I need a New Year's resolution that's a challenge to make, but won't matter if I break."

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

Football Chameleon

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

The End of the World is postponed from 2000 to 2112.

Various Traps.

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

Budget reaction.

During the Holiday season, Mr. Arthur Jeffries takes a little time to think of those who are less fortunate.

Murphy bed...Murphy.

'Happy birthday, dear... It's an executive rock.'

"Does this mean my loan has not been approved?"

Sonny Bono - Singer/US Congressman.

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

Guru Shifted Thinking

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

Giraffe painter.

'Calm down. I heard them say we're just going into town for haircuts.'

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

Budget Opticians.

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

Sheepdog

'That concludes the list of students with outstanding grades. And now for those of you with outstanding student loan payments...'

'No, I don't remember asking you to move in with me. Not only that, I don't remember who you are!'

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

Cinderfelon

"I'm not sure if that's William Shatner or Deadpool without his mask."