Gift Humorist Pillows

That's very thoughtful of you - a check for five gallons of gas.

Useless gifts for elephants.

Ernie was sick and tired of socks and jocks every Christmas.

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

'Happy birthday, dear... It's an executive rock.'

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

'Actually, it's good, old fashioned, chicken soup.'

'Thyme heals all wounds.'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Bagel problems.

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

Corporate Head to others at meeting: 'Today is financial Arbor Day. We're going to find some worthwhile charity and plant a money tree.'

'He's not leaving, but if we collect enough, he might.'

'. . . however, in the brand-new global ball-game of macro-economics we blah blah blather blah. . .'

'I've never seen anyone lip-sync a speech before.'

'DO me a favor. Don't keep saying 'Hi. How's it going?' whenever you swim past me.'

"I believe doctors write too many prescriptions, Mr. Martin. I'm writing you a sonnet."

'The swelling well receed in a few days and the racket should slide right off.'

'Tell the doctor to take his time -- I'm feeling better already.'

Get well soon.

"Kfetch!"

'I just feel so much better buying the free range Pinatas.'

Dead Selfie

"He's better at begging than I am."

'Now, where did I put it?'

'It's 'Wolverines Without Borders'. . . They want you to perform classic Fusco material in development countries where people don't have access to the comics.'

"I'd like to help you out, but I've misplaced my wand."

Gifted Milk

Vampire sits beneath a sign that says acupuncture

'The pains in my head always seem to subside when I flush your bills down the toilet.'

IOU Christmas