Historical Gift Humorist Pillows

"Of course I like it. It's just that Cleopatra got a Sphinx with hers."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Apples for sale

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Vlad the Impala

"You're on a what?!"

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

Mount Olympus Brewery. Those might be dangerous to open. They're Pandora's Bocks.

"There's only one 'L' in colosseum."

'We might make more progress if we try working as a team.'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

"When are they going to change the 'feature'?"

"Can Olaf come out to pillage and plunder?"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

It isn't widely known that Michelangelo was the first in a long line of cartoonists to buck the family tradition.

"Right here's fine."

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

"Hipsters"

The discovery of asparagus.

What's an Imax cave?

"Why did we run out of wine?! I'll tell you why...Mary's son brought 12 of his friends who crashed the wedding party! That's why!"

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

The Kids' Table at the Last Supper

"You're stealing from the rich and selling it to the poor on Craigslist?"

Two Men Discuss Ministers.