Gifted Comedian Pillows

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

Shampoo.

Another day at work would be one too many...

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

Rap music

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Toy plane with pilot eject.

A private jet takes off

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Exit Next Left

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing

Car leaving highway crashes through 'EXIT HERE' sign.

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

Mo's Meet The Predators Safari Tours.

Midwest Winter Items.

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

"What is a drag queen's goal?"