Handicap Humorist Pillows

"With my handicap I can park just about anywhere I want to!"

'I think he want you to be quiet!'

"My handicap is the water, trees, windows, the highway..."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Mail Pattern Baldness - A man with a bald patch in the form of a mailing envelope.

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

Snail Pattern Balding.

"How long have I had what problem?"

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

Computer help.

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

T-Shirt reads: 'Out of mind, I won't be back.'

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

The barber

"There's no money in your uncle's will. You are, however, directed to maintain his 5 cats and Facebook account."

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."

Dog in therapy.

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."