Goal-oriented Jokester Mugs

'I've kept all my wildest hopes and dreams realistic and easy to achieve.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Teacher pointing to P,Q, on board: "OK class, which letter comes next? Redbeard, you should know this."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

"He said he doesn't want to see me in his office again..."

"Hello, Pine Grove Elementary? Could you tell Miss Pritchard to come to Lakeview Veterinarian Clinic right away?"

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I got all Z's because I fell asleep in class."

A crab with a utility knife claw

"If I can't use a calculator, may I use my Dad's old slide-rule?"

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

'Sorry mum, I had a brain freeze during the test...'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

"You idiots … we lost!"

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and with the sun if I've found death, please excuse my morning breath.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Student writing on blackboard - I will not egg the principal's car.

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'What's our exit strategy?'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

"Your Covid-19 Test Results Are In..."

Dry Hard with a Vengeance