Glass Sipper Gifts

Wine Tasting Club

'It's got worse than just the occasional sploosh from a wine box, hasn't it?'

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Moments like this make me glad I taught you how to fetch mojitos."

Sparkling Water

'I swear, if he didn't always pick up the tab, I'd never go drinking with him.'

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

"Bad morning. I was running late and skipped my coffee, diet soda, energy drink and Ritalin."

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

"...Stop complaining if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!"

The last song before the party exploded.

"Whine and cheezed party."

Beach flirting

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, fell, and retained a brilliant attorney."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'You know what would be really romantic? If, just for once, you sat at the tap end.'

'Just wait until I'm introduced to carbonated beverages!'

"I'm a retriever but I prefer 'Go-Getter'."

Complaints Desk

Anton's Bar and Grill

'I told her my biological clock was going off, and she hit my snooze alarm.'

'Gee, mom, you know I want to visit - I'm just so darned busy.'

"Detox is two doors back, bro' - this is retox!"

No boyfriend, can't be bothered t-shirt

"Our seasonal special is spiced pumpkin apple butternut squash ale. Would you like that in a frosted mug or over ice cream?"

A very fine vintage

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

'I don't like her line of gossip - it's never about anyone I know.'

I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it? No. What if I drank scotch and smoked a cigar and listened to vinyl records and grew a big lumberjack beard? It's what all the hipsters are doing. You're not a hipster. I'm at least a kneester. At most you're a keister.

"I'm feeling less stressed since I set my biological clock back an hour."