Gill Guardian Gifts

'Have you noticed that Harry has a twitch and is as mad as a haddock? Do you suppose it's mercury poisoning?'

"Don't look now. I think we've got company."

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

It is essential not to overcrowd a tank as this can cause serious problems...

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

Al, why is my goldfish zigzagging? Perhaps sharing my beer with him was a case of misplaced generosity on my part.

A baby playing on a grand piano

"I don't do windows."

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

"It's a recipe called no-cook fish chowder."

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"This chicken wasn't cooked - it committed suttee!"

'You see, we don't have any children, so he's kind of our baby.'

Overeaters anonymous meeting today at 5:00.

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'So what have you been up to?'

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"