Gate Guardian Gifts

'I suppose technically you're right. But we still prefer not to think of it as a gated community.'

"The old pearly gates looked nice, but they were hell to maintain."

"Am I rusting? I think one of my sections is sinking. Oh, no! I thought I heard the gate squeak."

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"He likes it."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

'Now that's an afro!'

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

Deaths from Coronavirus

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"This chicken wasn't cooked - it committed suttee!"

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'