Getting Published Gifts

"Great news! Your novel is in a medium-size pile in the middle of the floor about four feet from the left side of Oprah's assistant's desk."

At last, he was able to plug into the distribution network of a major publisher.

Writers wait in their area of expertise.

No read publishing.

'Your manuscript is going straight to audio books, and...to video.'

'This is the shortest autobiography I've ever read!'

Meet the plaguarist

'I still write all my novels longhand.'

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

First Novels.

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Meet the author"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Captain Ahab searched for a vaccine.

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

Gay Times...

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Now showing, at a University near you...

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

Thank you for not doing research that has already been done.

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'