Gallows Humorists Pillows

"Sorry, but the final T bone steak, French fries, eggs and ice cream are off the menu."

"There's only one of them roaming around now. The others are in self-isolation."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

Dracula acquires a taste for maple syrup.

"Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped insisting on your uncle Bill being here for Christmas?"

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

"....and hold the garlic."

'Oh dear, what a shame - It's raining again, Pam!'

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

Man hitting a TV and going out of focus himself.

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

"We have a favor to ask."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Horsekeeping - No. X.

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

"Dig deep! C'mon! You got this!"

"Oh, don't mind me..I'm a little early. Just go about your business...pretend I'm not here.

"A modest proposal: Why not arm the Trump administration for their own safety?"

"The Scottish Premier is to start using goal-line technology similar to the 'Hawkeye' system currently used in the premier league. It's expected 'Och-Aye' will be installed at all grounds in time for next season."

"So, Claire tells me you ate her parents last night."

"Wait, what?"

"Just between you and me, he was a road kill."

'Wow! Did you see who just flitted past? Count Dracula!'

"So laughter isn't the best medicine..."

'Which one do you think Dracula's in?'

"Well, if you don’t want to discuss exposure, drowning or sharks, what do you want to talk about?"

'This had better be important, I'm in the middle of a conference call!'

'Sorry, we're shorthanded - please pass over the scalpel...'