Gallows Humorists T-Shirts

"Sorry, but the final T bone steak, French fries, eggs and ice cream are off the menu."

'3 pints of lager, 2 gin and tonic, 1 vodka and coke and a replacement liver.'

"There's only one of them roaming around now. The others are in self-isolation."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

Dracula acquires a taste for maple syrup.

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

"....and hold the garlic."

'Oh dear, what a shame - It's raining again, Pam!'

"Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped insisting on your uncle Bill being here for Christmas?"

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

Man hitting a TV and going out of focus himself.

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"We have a favor to ask."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Horsekeeping - No. X.

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"Dig deep! C'mon! You got this!"

"Oh, don't mind me..I'm a little early. Just go about your business...pretend I'm not here.

"Just between you and me, he was a road kill."

"Wait, what?"

"A modest proposal: Why not arm the Trump administration for their own safety?"

"The Scottish Premier is to start using goal-line technology similar to the 'Hawkeye' system currently used in the premier league. It's expected 'Och-Aye' will be installed at all grounds in time for next season."

"So laughter isn't the best medicine..."

"So, Claire tells me you ate her parents last night."

"Well, if you don’t want to discuss exposure, drowning or sharks, what do you want to talk about?"

'Wow! Did you see who just flitted past? Count Dracula!'

'Which one do you think Dracula's in?'

'This had better be important, I'm in the middle of a conference call!'