Gallows Humorist Pillows

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

'I take it that it's not good news doc'

'So....been here very long?'

Headstone in cemetary says 'I told you I was sick!'

"Just between you and me, he was a road kill."

"Dig deep! C'mon! You got this!"

"They always just taste better here."

'Dead is the new living.'

His on his final journey.

'At least getting run over by a hearse fit his sense of humour.'

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

'You know when you hear about someone dying doing something they like? That's where I come in.'

A Cow Funeral.

'Wait, wait, my blue taffetta would go so much better here.'

"It must take a while for vitals to shut down, she's still texting."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

Dracula acquires a taste for maple syrup.

Alien uses astronaut's visor as TV to watch news.

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"Is there someone other than Trump I can speak to? I didn't come all this way to talk to an idiot!"

"....and hold the garlic."

'Three zillion, five hundred trillion and sixty seven billion light years from Zog and now you tell me you've forgot to cancel the milk!'

"Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped insisting on your uncle Bill being here for Christmas?"

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

Man hitting a TV and going out of focus himself.

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'