Future Philosopher Gifts

'Someday, when our pre-frontal cortexes are fully developed, we'll look back on this and shake our heads.'

"My desire to be well-informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane."

WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

'All dogs have 4 legs. Tabby has 4 legs. But I'm just a kid, so I don't have to think logically.'

Montessori School vs. Machiavelli School

A practical fortune teller.

'I majored in ethics. Several recruiters talked to me. They'd like me to do volunteer work.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

War on drugs... war on terror... war on lima beans.

"You will go far in your profession, have a gorgeous family, and own lots of property... Or you will struggle with money, have many marriages, and sabotage your own best efforts... Depending on the choices you make."

"Where do you see yourself in five beers?"

"I went back to warn them, but they already knew and didn't seem to care."

"That's good for the budget. We don't have to exterminate the humans to conquer the earth. They'll take care of that themselves."

Future Referendum

Cloud Cuckoo Land, "I'm afraid you don't have a long lifeline"

"I'm sorry-our dystopian visions are just too different."

committee for the regulation of cloning

New Age: Retirement Plan

"For some reason, you do most of the aging in February."

"... and where do you see yourself in 500 million years time?"

"And how long were they waiting for that?"

"One year closer to college!"

"I traveled back in time to warn you that if you didn't change your ways you'd gradually become the hopelessly drab and dreary man you see before you. I guess I forgot we've always been that way."

Life after death

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

"I attempted to circumvent the traditional trappings of a teen furlough...but I was thwarted by my czar-ish parental unit."

"Some philosophers say if you think about something hard enough, it'll come true. I figure I'll grow a full beard by next week."

"I'm really looking forward to a simpler future."

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"O.K., here I am in the fourth grade, but is that really what I want to be doing with my life?"

"It's to keep me from getting ahead of myself."

"You'll get over him."

"Oh, thank god!!"

"I'm the ghost of Christmas future."