Furniture Store Manager Gifts

'No, this isn't tech support. You've reached ACME furniture company, division of lumbar support.'

'That's it then - I'll take the slinky high-heeled cocktail number in a 5 and the everyday workshoe in a 7...'

"Excuse me, I'm here to do some sole searching."

'If you're having trouble finding what you want, try our other store--'Cabernet Sauvignons Starting with the Letter B'.'

'This one's good if you like to toss and turn all night.'

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

"Store policy is that I need a note from your wife."

'Bread, milk, cereal, sugar, sausage, potatoes, beans, biscuits. Click! So easy, but I do miss the sexy till lady.'

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'Make up your mind, folks... King size or Queen size?'

'This was designed for people who have mastered easy chairs and want to attempt something more difficult.'

"You can't find the menswear department? Oh, I'm sorry, Sir- I was standing in front of it."

"It's difficult to attract a younger customer when our main demographic is babies."

"That should read $20.00. I'd make the correction, but I don't want to be accused of price-fixing."

"Well, do you want to buy this sofa or not? You've been on it for three days!"

"I think he said he wants to buy 'just the one'. You'd better fetch the manager"

"I really like this one – but I'm afraid of getting hurt again."

SupermarketAwful Market.

'They're both nice - which can you ill afford least?'

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Self-Checkout.

'Oh, honey, what a lovely house... We'll place the couch here, the cupboard there and my psychiatrist right here!'

'Gents toilet? Ah, got me there...'

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

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Sports Memorabilia: Help wanted-losers need not apply.

"We've decided to give you a bonus, Rick. It's any change you find under the cushions."

"It's also a flat-bed scanner."

"Bye now... it's always nice to see you and little Tommy!"

'I've drawn up a health and safety policy for the company.'

'A word of advice, the squeaky wheel gets the totally organic, 0 trans-fat, soy-based lubricant.'

"Will you only promise the children toys that can be brought at this store?"