Funny Face Fixer Gifts

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

Waiting for Pants

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

"Fido's determined to find that bone."

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

System failure - calling for sysadmin...

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

"They call you Abominable and me a monster, and they don't even know us."

Dr. Miller like to show off his ability to remove a full set of braces in one quick, bare-handed, jolt.

"We will indeed be facing numerous enraged customers."

"Kick the machine"

'I told you if you kept making faces it would freeze that way.'

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'

"Tell Santa that Rudolph's check engine light is on."

'If we happen to experience deja vu, let's make sure we do some things differently.'

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

Home/work masks.

Cardiology

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

"That's really great , but what do you do if you want to remove the nail?"

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

'They're hideous, aren't they?'

Despite being dumped by his girlfriend on Christmas Eve, Norman still found a way to pull the crackers despite her absence.

Boss, someone called The Fixer is here to see you. Excellent. Go out and tell him I want him to teach you everything he knows. I don't see why I should have to keep paying him when I've got my very own minion. Pay extra attention to the issue vague threats to shut down lawsuits part. If he asks why I didn't fire him myself, you tell him I've moved to Botswana. Very bad man.

"Did you call someone to come test for margarine residue in the refrigerator?"

Tailor Shop. Repairs. Alterations. You're a tailor who fixes torn pants?! When we met in the bar you said you were a genetic engineer! No, I said I do "jean splicing"!

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, My best friend chews, loudly, with his mouth open. It embarrasses me every time we eat out. I'm afraid if I point it out, it'll ruin our friendship. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can get the point across without hurting his feelings? - Andrea in Anaheim. Excellent question. Here's what you do ... Next time you eat lunch with your friend, bring a newspaper. Every time he chews

'He may not be accurate but he's resourceful'

"You gotta admit, it's straight now."

'Can Dad fix whatever this was?'

"This Michael Cohen is giving fixers a bad name."