Fuel Humorist Gifts

"You know, when you put ethanol into your car, you are putting alcohol in it."

'I had a ten gallon hat once, but I never knew if it took regular or unleaded.'

'It's the world's tallest oil slick.'

'Just like the sign says...you only pay for the gas!'

Will work for ETFs

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

Proud Parent Of A Medical School Student With Huge Debt.

'I'd recommend against investing in hog futures - what sort of future could a hog have?'

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

"Any chance of a couple of crumbs?"

'Your mortgage is under water...so what's the problem?'

'Flowers? From a garage? You're a darling!'

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"And so as a hedge against this trend, the directors have decided to invest heavily in red ink."

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'

'Your numbers are WAY off...I'd like to see them SLIGHTLY less off.'

'Your prescription is ready. How would you like to finance it?'

'I handle commodities and Dietrich here specialises in stocks and bonds.'

'I miss the great depression.'

Oh, I can't complain. high profits

The Mattress Savings Bank

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'