Fuel Humorist Gifts

"You know, when you put ethanol into your car, you are putting alcohol in it."

'I had a ten gallon hat once, but I never knew if it took regular or unleaded.'

'It's the world's tallest oil slick.'

'Just like the sign says...you only pay for the gas!'

Will work for ETFs

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

Proud Parent Of A Medical School Student With Huge Debt.

'I'd recommend against investing in hog futures - what sort of future could a hog have?'

General Motors.

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'Your mortgage is under water...so what's the problem?'

"Any chance of a couple of crumbs?"

'Flowers? From a garage? You're a darling!'

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

"And so as a hedge against this trend, the directors have decided to invest heavily in red ink."

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

'Honey, have you seen the size of this phone bill.'

"Will you manage my portfolio?"

'Your numbers are WAY off...I'd like to see them SLIGHTLY less off.'

'Your prescription is ready. How would you like to finance it?'

'The Buck (after taxes) Stops Here.'

'I handle commodities and Dietrich here specialises in stocks and bonds.'

IRS, 'You filed your tax return two days late -- Why do you hate America?'