Friend With A Sense Of Humor Pillows

"The world revolves around my cat."

"I hope you're not allergic to cats...Fluffy just loves visitors!"

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

'He's been that way ever since he overheard me telling Millie to watch out for virtual intruders.'

Man needs to buy excuse for missing work from vending machine.

'It's got to be a mirage.'

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

"He's starting to flag a bit"

"Have you gone mad?! Get your head in the car!"

"Oh good, how much did you win?"

'I've got three licks and a bottom-sniff on my profile page.'

Beware Of The Dog Owner

Tiddles wasn't exactly Barry's idea of a threesome.

"Now where did I park my car?"

'I knew the marriage wouldn't last...She brought a date to our wedding.'

Nature gave some animals weak eyes for a good reason. Never buy your pet rhino bifocals.

"...and in conclusion..."

'Did you see Phil look at the clock and nod to Marmaduke to start yawning?'

Have you seen Dorothy lately? She's sooo over the rainbow!

"Shall I say you're busy?"

"Ugh, how embarrassing—I thought he was waving to me."

"Ya know, it wouldn’t kill you to bark."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

At the mobile tracking test lab.

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

'As a matter of fact, I have the heart of a 30-year-old woman.'

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Shall I be mother?

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

"Maybe if we had better teachers we could learn new tricks."

'Bernie, you're not gonna have anything disgusting to hurl at zoo visitors if you forget this.'