Friend With A Dark Sense Of Humor Pillows

101 uses of a dead cat: saw

"We can't pay out on your husband's bungee jumping accident. We regard 'stupidity' as a pre-existing condition."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

Man needs to buy excuse for missing work from vending machine.

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

"He's starting to flag a bit"

"Must we have ten minutes blasphemy every night?"

"...and in conclusion..."

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

"They're very time-sensitive."

"The world revolves around my cat."

"Maybe if we had better teachers we could learn new tricks."

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

'Bernie, you're not gonna have anything disgusting to hurl at zoo visitors if you forget this.'

"Mr. Sherman, you hired our team of management consultants to stremline your enterprise, and that is precisely what we are doing."

And where do you think you may have come in contact with AIDS tainted blood?

Have you seen Dorothy lately? She's sooo over the rainbow!

Nature gave some animals weak eyes for a good reason. Never buy your pet rhino bifocals.

"You're doing great boy! Just don't bark."

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"Ya know, it wouldn’t kill you to bark."

"I hope you're not allergic to cats...Fluffy just loves visitors!"

"Now where did I park my car?"

"I don't think I'm quite ready for Satan sings the blues!"

'I'm commuting your sentence - We'll still cut your head off, but we won't carry it around on a pike.'

I've got a gun.

'There are two possibilities -- either you're sixty pounds overweight, or you're a hairless grizzly bear.'

'I've got three licks and a bottom-sniff on my profile page.'

Count Dracula discovered a mirror was of no use in his self-portrait attempt.

"Can I call you back, Rusty, I'm in the jacuzzi."

'I knew the marriage wouldn't last...She brought a date to our wedding.'

'Oh good! I hate long lines.'

"Shall I say you're busy?"