Dark Humor Loving Friend Pillows

'I'm commuting your sentence - We'll still cut your head off, but we won't carry it around on a pike.'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Another day at work would be one too many...

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

Dead Funny

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Housekeeping?!"

Murder in Apartment 6-K

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"