Fridge Dweller Gifts

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

"Quick get into position! I want to capture this light."

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

'I'll be late for dinner, dear. I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

'This might be the common ground we've been looking for.'

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

In case of emergency, break glass.

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

''A desk job.' That's what they called it at the interview.' 'Same here.' 'SHH!'

Opening the Barrel

"'Well done' lulled him into complacency."

Man at work sees in lounge refrigerator, 'Creative Juices'

''Surprise' starts with an 'S', Wilkins! You're in the wrong drawer again!'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

Wifi whore

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

Businessman at a bar mad to look like desk. Bartender says: 'The usual, Mr. B?'

'Bring me the Wimbish report and a short worm, Ms Perkins, no time for lunch today.'

"I've got something to tell you,Dad-I don't like fish...I mean I REALLY don't like fish...I HATE fish,Dad-there,I've said it now."

'I've noticed that no matter how busy you are, you are never too busy to stop an talk about how busy you are.'

Full work boxes: 'IN and MORE IN'.

"I'm going in."

"The WiFi password is: 'buysomethingorgetout'."

The weightless office.

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'Do we have any empty calories in this house!!'

"I think I might go outside. My fresh air app is glitchy today."

A menu with risks and benefits

Tune up $90. Tinker $20.

Al, The Go-From Guy

Wine: New & Old!!!

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

'This refrigerator isn't big enough for the both of us.'

'Difficulty getting started in the morning, stalling, various leaks, gas fumes...at this point Mrs Johnson, I'd recommend getting a new husband!'