Frequent Flyer Laugh Seeker Gifts

'Not so fast, Louie -- this may be a trap...'

"That'll be five bucks."

'Flight simulator'

Vampire on a plane

Airport Security. Remove Shoes. What do they call the guy in charge of all this airport security? "The TSAR"!

'I don't understand. Why do you want to have your arms extended?'

'Hey, can I have your frequent flier points?'

'One small step for man. Hundreds of thousands of miles for my frequent flier program.'

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"

'Would yo like reading or non-reading?'

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

"Emotionally, I'm checking three bags."

'I'll bet my luggage ends up at another hospital.'

Airport security - next step?

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

Elite-Premium Passengers

"It's going to be tight making all of these 873 connecting flights tonight."

'Does N.A.S.A. give frequent flyer miles?'

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'Your honor, my client requests the maximum bail possible so that he can post it with his frequent-flier credit card.'

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

"This is your captain speaking. I'm delighted to announce that all you frequent flyers members on board today will earn five credits at the college of your choice."

"I'm having a dry October. . . October 2045."

'Once you're seated and have safely stowed all carry-ons, we'll start the bidding for seat belts.'

"Have you tried the David and Goliath cocktail?"

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

Customer to airline clerk: 'If I drop leaflets out the plane window, do I get frequent flyer miles?'

'It's an obvious case of identity theft.'

'Joe, could I have your frequent flier points?'

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

'Listen, be fair, George - it's your TURN to take Mrs McCarthy for her lesson.'