Frequent Flyer Chuckles Gifts

'Sir, your luggage exceeds the carry-on size limit! It wouldn't be fair to other passengers if I allotted more space for you, now would it?'

"I'm in the x-ray support systems business, which contrary to popular belief, isn't a whole bundle of laughs."

'Flight simulator'

Vampire on a plane

Airport Security. Remove Shoes. What do they call the guy in charge of all this airport security? "The TSAR"!

'One small step for man. Hundreds of thousands of miles for my frequent flier program.'

'Hey, can I have your frequent flier points?'

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'Would yo like reading or non-reading?'

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'Does N.A.S.A. give frequent flyer miles?'

"It's going to be tight making all of these 873 connecting flights tonight."

Elite-Premium Passengers

'I'll bet my luggage ends up at another hospital.'

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

"Emotionally, I'm checking three bags."

Airport security - next step?

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'Your honor, my client requests the maximum bail possible so that he can post it with his frequent-flier credit card.'

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

"This is your captain speaking. I'm delighted to announce that all you frequent flyers members on board today will earn five credits at the college of your choice."

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

'Once you're seated and have safely stowed all carry-ons, we'll start the bidding for seat belts.'

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

'Joe, could I have your frequent flier points?'

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

"What's up with him?" "Travelling on points."

'We need a third runway for all the ministers flying to India and China to tell them to cut their carbon emissions.'

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

"You have one billion frequent flyer miles. No wonder you list our airport as your business address."

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.

ACE Airlines. Ask about our frequent flier bonus plan. I think it's nice of the airlines to give frequent fliers a free ticket to anywhere. They can go get their luggage.