Frequent Flyer Humor Gifts

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.

'Flight simulator'

Vampire on a plane

"Today's flight is overbooked. Is there someone who would accept a free travel voucher in return for teaching us how to correctly book a flight?"

'Ah, Reeves - it's lonely on top!'

'Would yo like reading or non-reading?'

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

Airport security - next step?

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

'I'll bet my luggage ends up at another hospital.'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

"We'll now start boarding Group 9... Please remember your inferiority as you walk past the other groups, you cheap, dirty, cretins."

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

'We need a third runway for all the ministers flying to India and China to tell them to cut their carbon emissions.'

'Not so fast, Louie -- this may be a trap...'

'Attention, Flight 1362...In our customer Lounge we're showing a short film: 'Blooper Reels of Strip Searches' to help pass the time...'

Opt Out of Body Scans and Pat Downs - Fly Nude.

'I'll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings.'

'How many frequent flier miles do you have?'

'This could get tricky, sir — your luggage accidentally went to Ralph Nader!'

"We are now jamming passengers into rows 24 through 36."

"Once again, we're boarding only our Elite Premium passengers at this time. Thank you."

'Your luggage was accidentally sent to Singapore, sir, and you're being tried in absentia there for smuggling after-shave lotion.'

"Please pay attention as the stewardess demonstrates our new procedure for drunken passengers"

"Hey guys, it's me, Rob! Remember, we flew together yesterday."

More intense body search at airport checkpoints.