Frequent Flyer Humorista Gifts

"For your comfort, you will be searched by someone of your own level of sexiness."

Vampire on a plane

For Sale: Red Arrow

"It's the part about 60 take-offs and 54 landings that worries us."

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'Co-pilot to pilot - I've located why the plane is out of balance.'

'Once you're seated and have safely stowed all carry-ons, we'll start the bidding for seat belts.'

'Except for that, how did the experimental plane perform?'

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

'Next time the captain says to turn off your cell phone, just do it!'

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

'Captain, I see another plane at 10:22.'

'Joe, could I have your frequent flier points?'

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

"What's up with him?" "Travelling on points."

'We need a third runway for all the ministers flying to India and China to tell them to cut their carbon emissions.'

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.

Opt Out of Body Scans and Pat Downs - Fly Nude.

'Attention, Flight 1362...In our customer Lounge we're showing a short film: 'Blooper Reels of Strip Searches' to help pass the time...'

'Not so fast, Louie -- this may be a trap...'

"We are now jamming passengers into rows 24 through 36."

'I'm afraid we're out of whisky, sir -- the pilot drank it all.'

"There's that frantic thumping noise again."

'How many frequent flier miles do you have?'

'I'll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings.'

"Once again, we're boarding only our Elite Premium passengers at this time. Thank you."