Frequent Flier Humorist Gifts

'I'll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings.'

Vampire on a plane

"Today's flight is overbooked. Is there someone who would accept a free travel voucher in return for teaching us how to correctly book a flight?"

Do you mind if I mix a little business with pleasure and have a brief conversation with the waiter about the fly in my soup?

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

For Sale: Red Arrow

"It's the part about 60 take-offs and 54 landings that worries us."

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'Co-pilot to pilot - I've located why the plane is out of balance.'

'Except for that, how did the experimental plane perform?'

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

'Next time the captain says to turn off your cell phone, just do it!'

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

'Captain, I see another plane at 10:22.'

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

'We need a third runway for all the ministers flying to India and China to tell them to cut their carbon emissions.'

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

'I'm afraid we're out of whisky, sir -- the pilot drank it all.'

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.

Flies prepare to duel with fly swatters.

Opt Out of Body Scans and Pat Downs - Fly Nude.

"We are now jamming passengers into rows 24 through 36."

ACE Airlines. Ask about our frequent flier bonus plan. I think it's nice of the airlines to give frequent fliers a free ticket to anywhere. They can go get their luggage.

"There's that frantic thumping noise again."

'Attention, Flight 1362...In our customer Lounge we're showing a short film: 'Blooper Reels of Strip Searches' to help pass the time...'

'How many frequent flier miles do you have?'

'So...Now I can get American's loudy service and U.S. airways inept baggage handling all in one convenient airline?'

"Once again, we're boarding only our Elite Premium passengers at this time. Thank you."

Every now and then, Doreen liked to see how many people were paying attention to her safety talk.