Frequent Flier Humorist Gifts

'I'll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings.'

Vampire on a plane

"Today's flight is overbooked. Is there someone who would accept a free travel voucher in return for teaching us how to correctly book a flight?"

For Sale: Red Arrow

"It's the part about 60 take-offs and 54 landings that worries us."

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'Co-pilot to pilot - I've located why the plane is out of balance.'

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

'Except for that, how did the experimental plane perform?'

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

'Next time the captain says to turn off your cell phone, just do it!'

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

'Captain, I see another plane at 10:22.'

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

'We need a third runway for all the ministers flying to India and China to tell them to cut their carbon emissions.'

'Attention, Flight 1362...In our customer Lounge we're showing a short film: 'Blooper Reels of Strip Searches' to help pass the time...'

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.

Flies prepare to duel with fly swatters.

"We are now jamming passengers into rows 24 through 36."

Opt Out of Body Scans and Pat Downs - Fly Nude.

'I'm afraid we're out of whisky, sir -- the pilot drank it all.'

"There's that frantic thumping noise again."

'How many frequent flier miles do you have?'

"Once again, we're boarding only our Elite Premium passengers at this time. Thank you."

"Here's the deal. I'll fly the plane, and you make the excuses."