Frequent Flyer Humorist Gifts

"Once again, we're boarding only our Elite Premium passengers at this time. Thank you."

"I have a terrible fear of flying coach."

'You think you're upset? Because of my size they insisted I buy a pair of tickets and then sold me two that aren't together!'

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

'There's a stroke of luck! That's our luggage!'

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

'Security Guard Swartz will continue the inspection.'

More intense body search at airport checkpoints.

'How many frequent flier miles do you have?'

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

Options for carry-on luggage that's too big to fit under the seat or in the overhead bin.

Caution: Entering Airline Lavatory Waste Release Area

We'd like to bring our own parachutes...just in case.

ACE Airlines. Ask about our frequent flier bonus plan. I think it's nice of the airlines to give frequent fliers a free ticket to anywhere. They can go get their luggage.

"We are now jamming passengers into rows 24 through 36."

Airline- The Restaurant

Vampire on a plane

"Today's flight is overbooked. Is there someone who would accept a free travel voucher in return for teaching us how to correctly book a flight?"

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

Do you mind if I mix a little business with pleasure and have a brief conversation with the waiter about the fly in my soup?

For Sale: Red Arrow

"It's the part about 60 take-offs and 54 landings that worries us."

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'Co-pilot to pilot - I've located why the plane is out of balance.'

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

'Except for that, how did the experimental plane perform?'

'Next time the captain says to turn off your cell phone, just do it!'

'We need a third runway for all the ministers flying to India and China to tell them to cut their carbon emissions.'

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

'I'm afraid we're out of whisky, sir -- the pilot drank it all.'