Frequent Flyer Humorist Pillows

"Once again, we're boarding only our Elite Premium passengers at this time. Thank you."

"I have a terrible fear of flying coach."

'You think you're upset? Because of my size they insisted I buy a pair of tickets and then sold me two that aren't together!'

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

'There's a stroke of luck! That's our luggage!'

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

'Security Guard Swartz will continue the inspection.'

More intense body search at airport checkpoints.

'How many frequent flier miles do you have?'

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

Options for carry-on luggage that's too big to fit under the seat or in the overhead bin.

We'd like to bring our own parachutes...just in case.

"We are now jamming passengers into rows 24 through 36."

Airline- The Restaurant

Vampire on a plane

"Today's flight is overbooked. Is there someone who would accept a free travel voucher in return for teaching us how to correctly book a flight?"

For Sale: Red Arrow

"It's the part about 60 take-offs and 54 landings that worries us."

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'Co-pilot to pilot - I've located why the plane is out of balance.'

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

'Except for that, how did the experimental plane perform?'

'Next time the captain says to turn off your cell phone, just do it!'

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

'We need a third runway for all the ministers flying to India and China to tell them to cut their carbon emissions.'

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.

"There's that frantic thumping noise again."

Flies prepare to duel with fly swatters.

'I'm afraid we're out of whisky, sir -- the pilot drank it all.'

'I'll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings.'