Frequent Flyer Laughs Pillows

'Attention, Flight 1362...In our customer Lounge we're showing a short film: 'Blooper Reels of Strip Searches' to help pass the time...'

"Would you like some wings?"

'Flight simulator'

Vampire on a plane

Airport Security. Remove Shoes. What do they call the guy in charge of all this airport security? "The TSAR"!

Homing pigeons in therapy.

'Hey, can I have your frequent flier points?'

'One small step for man. Hundreds of thousands of miles for my frequent flier program.'

'Would yo like reading or non-reading?'

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'I'll bet my luggage ends up at another hospital.'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

Airport security - next step?

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

Elite-Premium Passengers

"It's going to be tight making all of these 873 connecting flights tonight."

'We found your luggage! It went to Buffalo!'

'Does N.A.S.A. give frequent flyer miles?'

"I'm sorry, but the flight of the bumblebees has been cancelled."

'Your honor, my client requests the maximum bail possible so that he can post it with his frequent-flier credit card.'

"This is your captain speaking. I'm delighted to announce that all you frequent flyers members on board today will earn five credits at the college of your choice."

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

'Once you're seated and have safely stowed all carry-ons, we'll start the bidding for seat belts.'

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

Customer to airline clerk: 'If I drop leaflets out the plane window, do I get frequent flyer miles?'

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

'Joe, could I have your frequent flier points?'

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

'We need a third runway for all the ministers flying to India and China to tell them to cut their carbon emissions.'

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

"What's up with him?" "Travelling on points."

"You have one billion frequent flyer miles. No wonder you list our airport as your business address."

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.