Fortune Cynic Gifts

All is vanity

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

And they lived happily ever after for a few years until the quirks they found so cute in each other when they were dating eventually drove them both insane the end.

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

It's the same ingredients and aftertaste as stimulus 1..."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

"It's from a girl in my class. Should I be thinking about a prenup?"

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

Obama builds own gallows.

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

Unsocial Networking.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"Just saying, if you can't trust your software upgrades, what can you trust?"

The Fed: Problems and the solution.

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

'I hate my boss!...'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

The first accurate poll.

So, you'd like a battery of unnecessary tests that aren't covered by insurance .. Are you sure about this? Doctor-Assisted Financial Suicide.

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."