Former Celebrity Gifts

All Washed Up

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Meanwhile in Hollywood

Marilyn Monroe - Spot the Difference

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

'Hi, my name is Bruce Wayne, but not THE Bruce Wayne!'

The americanisation of vulture.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

Jack Gleeson

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

The Life and Times of Miley Cyrus

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

Little Red Riding Carpet

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'You do realize you're no longer a pro athlete and there is no preseason to work out the kinks, don't you?'

Tom Hanks

"This is no time for fightin', princess, there's a war on!"

Vanna White: The Later Years.

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"