Showbiz Personality Gifts

'so let me get this straight... you're famous for being the sister of the wife of a man who went to school with someone who knew someone else who is already famous?'

'You say that you wish you had just one percent of my talent? Well that's exactly what you have got.'

'You showbiz types can never make intelligent conversation!'

Showbiz Awards

Martha Stewart Takes Over The Universe

Joan Hickson

The americanisation of vulture.

'Hi, my name is Bruce Wayne, but not THE Bruce Wayne!'

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Meanwhile in Hollywood

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

Marilyn Monroe - Spot the Difference

"Here's the deal, boys. We need to see a little more bickering. We're doing a Reality Show."

Little Red Riding Carpet

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

"This is no time for fightin', princess, there's a war on!"

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

Super Bowl Halftime Show Barbra Streisand reads from her memoir.

Music Hall Dancers

"Hey, Bob. Things haven't been quite the same since Richard Attenborough arrived here, have they?"

The 24-Hour Celebrities Doing Something Stupid Channel.

"Is it 'Measure once, cut twice?' Or 'Cut once, then measure?' Or maybe it's..."

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos - Ancient Aliens

"You're wasting your time, I'll never understand which one is Liam Hemsworth and which one is Chris Hemsworth."

Toenail clipping missile.

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

A backup plan might be a good idea, in case 'being a celebrity' doesn't work out...

Will work for Food Network.

"WIFI, Amazon, credit cards. Pretty much every password is named after me."

People leave joke shop with false moustache, nose and glasses marketed as 'the Robert Winston'.

Celebrity Phrenologist.

Chris O'Dowd

"This lovely song tells of a young, pretty actress, her ups and downs, and how she found happiness after rehab."