Football Rules Connoisseur Gifts

'Eton Football (Special Report by Dumb-Crambo Junior.)'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Penny's still having issues grasping 'icing the puck,' but she nailed 'offsides' and 'too many men' today!"

Dr Ed Henderson demonstrates that it IS possible for someone to become too familiar with the safety rules.

'Just think of one of these as enabling legislation for the golden rule.'

"Mam? What's love juice?"

'That's not what is meant by a free kick.'

'... Because it's the law! That's why!'

At last he had found the Regulatory Guidelines.

'There really is no need for confusion. Rule 10, section 5, article a, subsection 3, exception 4 quite clearly states ... '

Jose Mourinho

'-and remember,under any circumstances, NO extra time!'

'Oh for Pete's sake. This ain't nuclear science, gentlemen. I'll read it one more time, but pay attention... 'the infield fly rule is in effect if there is less than two outs and runners on first and second'...'

"It may not be a balk, but it's something."

'Well, you're right, you're not touching the ball with your hands, so the Ref can't penalize you...'

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

'Stan, wait!... Wrong game!'

David Beckham

'That does it... Now I'm definitely going to become a lawyer.'

Guest Houses.

'Oh, that place...? we shut that down AGES ago!'

Football foul (red card).

'But every time I leave a five car space in front of me, six cars cut in.'

Being a stickler for rules, Howard refuses to act until his motion has been seconded.

"Alright, a yellow will stop him doing it again, but so would a b----y RED!"

'Great, you can start Monday.. remember, NO BLUE JEANS.'

"I pulled my mask down for five seconds to sip coffee."

'Remember, no hitting below the belt.'

'Excuse me, sirs, I think the penalty is enforced from the succeeding spot.'

Steve Bruce

Joachim Low

'Just a reminder, gentlemen. It's 4 downs today, not 5.'

'All dogs must be on leashes.'

Michael Laudrup

The Klinsmann code.