Football Official Gifts

'There's nothing in the rules about gloves.'

'Why are you sending us off?' - 'For fighting about who won the toss.'

FIFA scandal

Bent like Blatter

'How come I get two yellow cards?' - 'One for the foul and one for the instant reply.'

Red Card on the Podium

'What do you mean the ref was fair. He lined up in their wall at free kicks.'

Hard-of-hearing football referee getting abuse about his eyesight.

'Can't we just toss another coin?.'

'He's definitely heading for a red card.'

'Kill the ref.'

Referee Art

Referee's Free Kick Pack

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

Egyptian Football

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'I finished last, but I was the only one who passed the drug test.'

'Now what?!'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'Are you blind ref?'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

College of Referee Training: 'Congratulations, you failed your eye test abysmally!'

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

"Baseball is way too boring - so, we're doing one inning, winner takes all, everybody go home early and live their lives."

"After the big race, the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

'I should never have married a bloody referee.'

'No wonder it was so hard to assemble. I thought it was supposed to be a basketball hoop, not a weapon of mass destruction.'