Fa Official Gifts

'You may be wondering what a sex scandal has to do with managing the national team...'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

Egyptian Football

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

Pole Vault Rules

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

'I finished last, but I was the only one who passed the drug test.'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'Now what?!'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

College of Referee Training: 'Congratulations, you failed your eye test abysmally!'

'He's definitely heading for a red card.'

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

'Are you blind ref?'

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

"After the big race, the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

'No wonder it was so hard to assemble. I thought it was supposed to be a basketball hoop, not a weapon of mass destruction.'

'I should never have married a bloody referee.'

Tennis corruption

'He lost his whistle,'

'...60, 80 - whoa! - a hundred bucks! Okaaaay, you've got 20 minutes.'

Footballer changes shirt with the ref.

Referees at the Original Olympics.

'He intentionally entangles his face mask in my hand!'

Footballer playing for time

'Out. How come?' - 'Off side.'

'That was a peach of a right hander the referee gave you!'

"We're never going to finish this game if you keep calling 'jump ball' every two seconds."