Soccer Official Gifts

"Sorry, I don't know what a handball is anymore either."

Sepp Blatter FIFA President

Referee's Free Kick Pack

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

Egyptian Football

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

Pole Vault Rules

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

'I finished last, but I was the only one who passed the drug test.'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'Now what?!'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

"Baseball is way too boring - so, we're doing one inning, winner takes all, everybody go home early and live their lives."

'He's definitely heading for a red card.'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

'Are you blind ref?'

College of Referee Training: 'Congratulations, you failed your eye test abysmally!'

"After the big race, the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

'No wonder it was so hard to assemble. I thought it was supposed to be a basketball hoop, not a weapon of mass destruction.'

'I should never have married a bloody referee.'

'Out. How come?' - 'Off side.'

Referees at the Original Olympics.

'That was a peach of a right hander the referee gave you!'

'Everyone keeps telling me I need my eyes checked, so here I am!'

Footballer changes shirt with the ref.

'He lost his whistle,'