Athletic Official Gifts

Various sporting officials think to themselves: '4 years at West Point for this'...'5 years at MIT for this'...'6 years at Julliard for this.'

Total corruption

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

Egyptian Football

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

Pole Vault Rules

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

'I finished last, but I was the only one who passed the drug test.'

'Now what?!'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'Are you blind ref?'

College of Referee Training: 'Congratulations, you failed your eye test abysmally!'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

"Baseball is way too boring - so, we're doing one inning, winner takes all, everybody go home early and live their lives."

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

'He's definitely heading for a red card.'

"After the big race, the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

'I should never have married a bloody referee.'

'No wonder it was so hard to assemble. I thought it was supposed to be a basketball hoop, not a weapon of mass destruction.'

'Everyone keeps telling me I need my eyes checked, so here I am!'

'That was a peach of a right hander the referee gave you!'

Referees at the Original Olympics.

'He lost his whistle,'

Red Card - Gold Card.