Food Service Fan Gifts

"Nah, he doesn't need the Heimlich. I just don't like his tip."

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Rump roast?"

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

"How would you like your steak sir—really well done or raw? We've got a new chef."

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'I made your favorite for dinner — pterodactyl nuggets!'

'It's supposed to look and smell greasy.'

The proper term for our special promotion is Triple Cheeseburger with a Gazillion fries...not the triple bypass special!

"Is the garbage fresh?"

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

The miracle of 2-for-1 pizza.

"Bob, you're just not selling me on you essential hamburgerness."

'The two-pounds-burger menu includes chips, a large drink and an arteriosclerosis treatment.'

Sisyphus Pizza

'We've run out of Parmesan cheese.' Food in pasta.

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"You know, it really wasn’t that bad."

"Whoa! One last doughnut left."

'You'll love this, it has no nutritional value.'

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

Now all meals contain 'Enzymate' for fast digestion.'

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

'I asked for a rare steak and you certainly don't see many as BAD as this!'

'I didn't have time to hunt'

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"Whatever diet they're on, tell them what they ordered is PERFECT for them."

That's my boss for you - a platitude with an attitude.