Food Service Aficionado Gifts

Go large or go home!

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

La Table

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Rump roast?"

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Periodic table for two. Chez LMN't

Advanced footsie

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"It was wonderful, Henri. Arnold had died and gone to heaven."

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'