Food Service Fan Prints

"Nah, he doesn't need the Heimlich. I just don't like his tip."

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Rump roast?"

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"How would you like your steak sir—really well done or raw? We've got a new chef."

'I made your favorite for dinner — pterodactyl nuggets!'

"Is the garbage fresh?"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

'It's supposed to look and smell greasy.'

The proper term for our special promotion is Triple Cheeseburger with a Gazillion fries...not the triple bypass special!

The miracle of 2-for-1 pizza.

"Bob, you're just not selling me on you essential hamburgerness."

'The two-pounds-burger menu includes chips, a large drink and an arteriosclerosis treatment.'

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

'We've run out of Parmesan cheese.' Food in pasta.

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

Now all meals contain 'Enzymate' for fast digestion.'

Sisyphus Pizza

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'You'll love this, it has no nutritional value.'

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

"You know, it really wasn’t that bad."

'I didn't have time to hunt'

'I asked for a rare steak and you certainly don't see many as BAD as this!'

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

That's my boss for you - a platitude with an attitude.

"Whatever diet they're on, tell them what they ordered is PERFECT for them."

'You wouldn't believe how hard it is for me to unwind after work.'