Restaurant Fan Gifts

"If you want fiber, madame, I suggest you eat the menu."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

Big Tex Silver Saddle Restaurant advertises 'BBQ, $10, Chatter in a Vanishing Regional Dialect $1.00 Extra.'

"I can't give you a prescription for milk and cookies."

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"What did Jesus order?"

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'I made your favorite for dinner — pterodactyl nuggets!'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

'It's supposed to look and smell greasy.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

Some days, we all just feel like a little take-out lo mein.

"Is the garbage fresh?"

The proper term for our special promotion is Triple Cheeseburger with a Gazillion fries...not the triple bypass special!

"How about a little more coffee?"

The miracle of 2-for-1 pizza.

'The two-pounds-burger menu includes chips, a large drink and an arteriosclerosis treatment.'

"Bob, you're just not selling me on you essential hamburgerness."

"....and some apple pie for dessert...oh miss, remember that a la mode!"

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

Sisyphus Pizza

Now all meals contain 'Enzymate' for fast digestion.'

'You'll love this, it has no nutritional value.'

"You know, it really wasn’t that bad."

"Now that everyone's in...how do we get the food?"

'I didn't have time to hunt'

'I wasn't going to eat him, but then he tripped right in front of me.'

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

"You know they're trying too hard when the chef's special is Corn Dogs Bordelaise."

That's my boss for you - a platitude with an attitude.

'Diet? Yeah I'm on a prop's diet...pies,chips,burgers and coke!'