Food Network Devotee Gifts

'I'll never be able to cook like TV chefs, goodbye.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

"Our greatest fears are confirmed, they've taken waffle fries off the menu."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Coffee and Converstion' vs. 'Beer & Bullshit'

"Isn't it enough we tip well? Must we also like him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter?"

Waiting staff

All You Can Eat

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

Loyd Grossman

Emeril Lagasse

"Why don't we just take photos of other people's food and order whatever gets the most Facebook likes?"

'Big turnover at center ice! Mmm...looks delicious.'

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"Hurry, dear, it's the Brutal Gourmet."

'Whatever fast food - fried stuff, fat, sugar, salt for the 'Doesn't Bother Me' person'.

Have you noticed how chefs have replaced hairdressers in the social pages?

'Crickets are chock full of carbs!'

'Too many tv dinners I'm afraid.'

"Curl your fingers to avoid cuts when slicing or chopping...I learned that trick on a TV cooking show!"

"Eat your stem cells!"

'And this is Mario Batali. Of course, he's not the Mario Batali.'

'What TV dinner goes best with a sitcom?'

"How do I remember orders without writing them? Fatso got the fries, Bitchface got the burger, Pimples got pizza, and Pignose got pulled pork."

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

"Actually, I'm not hungry anymore. While I was waiting for my scone, I had one of your delicious sconces instead!"

"Dear God, noooooo oooo!" "The Oreo tragedy"

"The problem with those cooking shows is they don't tell you how to turn on your oven."

'It's a blackmail note - Someone saw me going into that Fish-and-Chip shop!'

Diet.

TV dinner

'I'm all for a healthy diet,too, but once in a while couldn't we eat something a cow wouldn't eat?'