Food Network Watching Gifts

"The problem with those cooking shows is they don't tell you how to turn on your oven."

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"Then add one extra large egg..."

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

'...now pour the mixture into a baking dish...'

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

Loyd Grossman

Mary Berry

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

"I'd rather be seared by Emeril than sauteed by Rachel."

'Big turnover at center ice! Mmm...looks delicious.'

"You missed the garlic. The place went nuts when he added the garlic."

'If you'd like to, you can discuss the question of eating genetically-modified food with our staff ethicist.'

'Crickets are chock full of carbs!'

'It's indigestion due to your lifestyle, you're watching too many T.V. cookery shows.'

"...and here's some I made earlier..."

"Curl your fingers to avoid cuts when slicing or chopping...I learned that trick on a TV cooking show!"

'Too many tv dinners I'm afraid.'

"And now a recipe for disaster..."

'I'll never be able to cook like TV chefs, goodbye.'

'What TV dinner goes best with a sitcom?'

'And this is Mario Batali. Of course, he's not the Mario Batali.'

"Dear God, noooooo oooo!" "The Oreo tragedy"

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

'It's a blackmail note - Someone saw me going into that Fish-and-Chip shop!'

"It didn't look like this on Masterchef!"

"Your dinner's being demonstrated on the cookery programme in ten minutes."