Following Royal News Pillows

"And if it does fit, please sign this pre-nup saying you won't do any 'tell-all' interviews about the royal family."

Cord cutter

"Is this the same gold bar I gave you last year?"

"This is for walking the fine line: Not discouraging Russia from joining the fight against ISIS...but out not showing support for Syria."

"Get a move on Hardwicke, we need it for the 6 o'clock news!"

Duchess of Cambridge

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'Campaign fatigue? No, I'm excited to be here in the great state of North Braska!'

'I don't know. Neo-monarchism sounds good...'

21st Century Leadership

"What'll it be ... scary movies or scary news?"

'It's a new reality show call 'Detoxing with the Stars'...'

'...And our extended forecast calls for one #!@*!! thing after another.'

Closed system: Worry-powered TV set.

Every time an invading army tries to kill me, I wonder if I should have finished art school instead of going to the family business.

"I think whatever's going to happen next has already happened."

'This is Ferd Evergort reporting from the site of the great Battle Creek flood...'

"The good news today is that there is no news."

Deepening rift between royal brothers

US election 2020 ballot box Trump v Biden

USA and Russia meet in Saudi Arabia

"... And in other news: Still no truce at 75 Greene Street, apartment 3F."

"He's out there campaigning while I'm in here quarantining."

King Charles III's coronation

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

Putin 'Peace' Plan

'If you've gone off him, please can I have my chewing gum back?'

Michael Jackson dangles Justice over balcony.

Ukrainian Elections

"A source close to the Royals tells me that..."

'The following special report was made possible by a bunch of troublemakers....'

'What's he laughing at? Doesn't he listen to the News!'

With the barrel dry, American is unable rescue Europe.

Megxit

"This must be the transparency he promised."