Following News Pillows

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'Well, that's all the news, so I guess I'll just sit here and wait until something else happens.'

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

Coronavirus in China

"The good news today is that there is no news."

"A hurricane blew away 25% of the harbour last night."

Pandemic News

World News

"What'll it be ... scary movies or scary news?"

'This is Ferd Evergort reporting from the site of the great Battle Creek flood...'

"Tonight we are rebroadcasting the best of last week's news."

"... And in other news: Still no truce at 75 Greene Street, apartment 3F."

'Due to scheduling conflicts, the Today show will be seen tomorrow....'

Closed system: Worry-powered TV set.

'The following special report was made possible by a bunch of troublemakers....'

'What's he laughing at? Doesn't he listen to the News!'

"Do you want to watch Wheel of Fortune, a movie, or the war?"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated.

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Squeezing the Free Press.

They're Not Just That Into It

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

We Tenatively Oppose War on Strictly Procedural Grounds

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Trump pardons

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Difference of Opinion